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Don’t play the blame game

Too many arguments break down into yelling and screaming.

“You did that”

“You did this”

“You made me feel awful”

You, You, You!!! These are fighting words. Sentences that start with ‘you’ are accusatory.

On the other hand, sentences that start with ‘I’ have the opposite effect and help you partner sympathize with how you feel.

“I feel this way…”

“I was hurt when…”

“I get frustrated…”

These are the first steps of resolving a conflict. Its easier for you partner to be on your side when you say how you feel. Its hard when he or she feels on the defensive.

Don’t accuse him or her during an argument. If you find yourself yelling or screaming, take a 5 minute break to cool down and start the next sentence with “I”.

Keys to Love

1. Express love verbally. Say “I love you,” or some equivalent. It helps couples stay in touch and connected to each other.

2. Be physically affectionate, which includes hand-holding, hugging, kissing, cuddling and comforting.

3. Express your love sexually. Sex is integrated with their feelings of caring.

4. Express your appreciation and admiration. Happy couples feel appreciated and valued, because they talk about what they enjoy, like, admire or respect about the other.

5. Participate in mutual self-disclosure. Share thoughts, feelings, hopes, wishes, dreams, hurts, angers, yearnings and fears.

6. Offer each other an emotional support system. Be there for each other in times of illness, difficulty, hardship and crisis.

7. Express love with gifts (big or small, but given on more than just routine occasions).

8. Accept demands and put up with shortcomings. Each should know he or she is not perfect, and should not demand perfection of the other.

9. Create time to be alone together. The time that you and your partner spend in the company of relatives, friends or colleagues can be a source of pleasure, but it is not a substitute for time spent alone together.

10. Happy couples have figured out healthy, positive and non-wounding ways of dealing with grievances, disagreements and past wounds. Absence of conflict
does not create closeness or intimacy.

Disciplining children

Your children must have consistent discipline from both of you. If you find yourself starting to yell, stop and take 5. Calm down, stay cool and show your kids how to handle anger.

Compliment them frequently for all their efforts, they like to be noticed. Discipline firmly, consistently, and with love. Use the 3 times rule and use timeouts instead of hitting or yelling. Choose appropriate punishments and don’t undermine your spouses authority.

Don’t yell, scream and call them names. Don’t let your child play you against your spouse, it may become a bad habit. Don’t notice the negative behaviors instead of the positive, just lowers their self-esteem. Don’t insult your child and don’t punish them inconsistently.

Kids will be kids, don’t spend their childhood being mad and correcting them constantly. The do grow up fast and they do love spending time with both of you.

10 Myths about therapist

Myth #1 – Only crazy people see therapist

People see a therapist to work through a specific problem or to figure out why they are not happy.

Myth #2 – Someone who doesn’t know me can’t help me

A therapy process depends on the therapist being unbiased. A neutral person helps you sort through your issues so you can go on a more productive and happy life.

Myth #3 – Therapist can read people’s mind

They are taught to listen and pay attention to your emotions. They cannot read minds.

Myth #4 – A therapist can solve all your problems

A therapist will HELP you solve your problems.

Myth #5 – A couples therapist will take sides

A good therapist will remain neutral and help both of you resolve your issues.

Myth #6 – Therapist never say anything

They will listen carefully, ask you questions, and talk with you.

Myth #7 – Therapy takes for ever

Short term therapy generally last 8-20 sessions which can be extremely useful. Long term can generally last a year or more.

Myth #8 – Everyone will know I’m seeing a therapist

The only people who will know is the people you tell. A therapist will maintain your confidentiality.

Myth #9 – Therapy is unaffordable

No question its expensive but medical insurance will cover a limited number of sessions.

Myth #10 – Only weak people see therapist

A therapist will give you the tools for you to become a stronger person. It takes a strong person to go to a therapist.

Keep caring for each other

Your relationship will change with an illness, but it doesn’t have to change for the worse. When one of you gets sick, whether it’s short term or long term, you still need to take care of each other.

Keep communication open, more than ever. Give each other your full attention. Tell each other how you feel. If you are scared, let them know. Don’t push each other away. Hug them, its a great healing process. Tell him or her that you love them and keep your relationship strong.

Keep having fun and set time aside without interruptions. You don’t have to go out to have fun, play a game, rent a movie or read a book out loud. Draw together or anything that you both enjoy together.

One liners to avoid

When both of you disagree and end up in an argument, don’t push each other away. It often feels like you are in the opposite side of the field when you are in the middle of the fight. Both of you need to work together and not say the wrong things that you will regret later.

* I’m leaving you
* We’ll never get along
* You’re impossible
* It’s all your fault
* I hate you

These statements will end a fight very quickly and nothing gets resolved. The person speaking them is saying that the relationship is a waste of time.

It’s impossible to respond to any of these statements while you are angry. He or she will walk away and not forget it or come back with a bigger argument, yelling at you and you yelling back louder, and so forth.

Try to stop yourself from delivering these one-liners. Remember that these statements only draw you away and you will only be further away from having a close, intimate relationship.

A great flirt

A great flirt is one who can flirt with anyone they chose. One that flirts with elder people, children babies, men and women. A person who can enjoy a joke and be raunchy and very kind.

Great flirts love who they are and what they do. They are the ones who know how wonderful they are and they show it to the world.

A successful flirt is able to make things happen for you, not to you. Perhaps you are a bit of a flirt already, but don’t get the results you want or maybe you don’t flirt at all.

Here are 5 basic tips of a flirt:

1. Make the first move. Move closer to the person you want to meet and say Hello.

2. Make eye contact. Look at the person in the eye gently (2-3 seconds then glance away).

3. Compliment. The best compliments have the element of surprise.

4. Listen. Everyone loves to be heard.

5. Have fun. Be playful and spontaneous. This will put a smile on you which makes you so much more approachable.

There is no such thing as a Perfect Marriage

The word Perfect implies that there is one right way to be married. There are many different kinds of marriages that are wonderful and unique. Perfect, not so much, Great marriage, definitely.

Your marriage should be the most important relationship in your life. Remember that you both are partners in life and must commit 100 percent to your marriage.

Marriage is full of unplanned events. You need to be flexible in order to be able to deal with them. A key part to a great marriage is communication. Good communication leads to less frustrations.

A GREAT marriage does not equal Perfect marriage.

G = Good Communication
R = Real Partnership
E = Effort
A = Adaptability
T = Total Commitment

Marriage wasn’t always like this

Many couples get married because they had fun together. After a while, they realize they got married for more valuable reasons like shared values and shared commitments.

It’s very common for married couples to get caught up in the day to day grind. Bills to pay, chores to do, and schedules to keep. It seems like a waste of energy to plan fun activities with your spouse. Creating a special date together makes us feel like we’re just adding one more thing to our to do list.

Making a date with your spouse is fun. Everyone deserves to have fun and a break from routines. Doing enjoyable things together gives you energy to tackle your responsibilities and also strengthens your relationship.

Every once in a while take out the photo albums and review them. Make an evening out of it. Talk about the past when you first met.
This is valuable time together reinforcing your bond.